The Bible is a bad novel and Jesus isn't coming

There seems to be an increase these days on people chiming in on the opinion that the days of Christianbabble and the fools that run into burning buildings spewing such are losing the momentum they have enjoyed over the past 8 years. My boy Sam gave his opinion and I feel the need to express mine.

My name is Greg and I am a recovering Baptist. I have been clean and sober from the poison that black tarred my soul into believing myths made the world go 'round and that a simple tearful confession could guarantee one happiness in heaven for about 21 years. Yes, I was one of them. I was raised in a church fearin' family, went to Sunday school every Sunday and learned all about Adam and the sinful Eve, Noah and his ark of meat, King David doing something with someone, Jesus and crew and Mary (slut..!) and the disciples, the Apostle Paul (who was a whack job) always cumulating with the Revelation, the craziest acid trip ever.

I've read the bible many many times, from cover to cover in just about every interpretation made - from King James, New American Standard, the Living Bible- all of 'em. Interestingly, the word "bible" itself comes from the Greek byblos which means, quite simply, "book." So if the ancient Greeks saw it as a simple book and it was written during their time, how did it become so fantastical? Seriously, if this published today, it would be dismissed as cheap fiction. Remember James Frey and "A Million Little Pieces" and that controversy? He tried to pass that off as fact and come to find out, he made most of it up. Hell, he even bragged on Oprah. Now if only the Apostle John would have brought the Revelation to Oprah - well, we wouldn't be having this conversation.

So now we are more than two thousand years past the time all of that was written. Incredibly I think Christian mythology has probably outlasted Greek mythology. I ask, what's the difference? It's the same in principle. People who are advanced in science and democracy on the one hand subscribing to fantasy and ridiculous ceremony (uh, circumcision? baptism? communion? killing people?) on the other hand. Are we really so different?

I think we are at a crossroad and at some point, this country needs to decide - the Bible or the Constitution. Clearly our forefathers intended the fledgling country to govern independent of radical bible-ism. The Jesusfolk holding an apple pie and a child's hand always like point out, "In God We Trust" blazed our history and we should always be a God fearing nation. Too bad for them the more relevant document, the Constitution, was also drafted and written by men -just like the bible, only with more schooling and experience- who were trying to bring order to chaos - just like the bible, which was, in fact, a cut and paste job by a fledgling Rome who need to bring order to their chaotic empire.

So as someone who used to bring people to Jesus I struggled with so many things. The gay part was just one of the pieces. I always was suspicious in the preachings and bizarre stories, but like most born-agains, didn't question it. Until I decided I wanted to find truth. Several hits of acid, a whole lot of meth, flirtings with kabbalah and Wicca later, I discovered, at least for myself, that the notion of Christianity wasn't valid. That if there was a God (or Goddess), then I could accept that and take faith in the not-knowing. That was when I became a born again agnostic.

So this is my rant. In 2008 America, there is no room for mythology any more since fact and the present are much more relevant. There is indeed the intent of the law for separation of church and state. I don't mind who or what they worship as long as they don't impose it on me. I want my choice and freedoms as guaranteed by my Constitution, the bible if you may of 21st century America, which is much more practical and applicable than ever. Especially as we assert our separation from church.

So I guess that makes me both pro-choice and pro-life. I want the choices for my life free from ancient myth.

Magical Thinking

According to this video, Jesus has imprinted his image.....on the ceiling of a woman's workout facility. Watch as the chubstas do their leg presses while a vague Lord looks lovingly down on their dimpled legs and multiple chins.

What...?

This clip demonstrates that Americans find such events as newsworthy - and we all know there will be a population of those who actually believe that the Jesus himself pressed his face on that ceiling in giving us some sort of divine sign of.....of.....some sign to....to... fat ladies?

We like to think our ourselves, the American collective, as a higher thinking group, with that cowboy swagger as if to say we know all the answers and if we don't, well golly, listen to us anyway cuz we're God-fearin', carb-eatin' Americans. Don't get me wrong, I am proud to be an American embracing my freedoms and exercising my rights to critical thinking and expression. But there is a growing segment of the populace who goes apeshit when Mary, Jesus (but how come we never see Joseph?) smudge their likeness on ceilings, dry wall and grilled-cheese sandwiches. Why is that? People want the miracles of science to give us heart pills and Tang and the internets but still put one leg in the superstitious as if truth and fact were determined by the same process as delusions of faith.

It's just a watermark created by the rain, folks.

Now I ask you, if the divine was all knowing as Sunday Skool teaches us, then why doesn't Jesus appear at MIT, Stanford or Harvard instead of the trailers, Wal Marts and Curves' that are reported?

The Church of Crazy

Isaac Hayes died this past weekend. My he rest in peace. But as a devoted Scientologist, he will do anything but rest in peace. According to an article in Slate, the Shaft singer's afterlife will require a trip to Venus for reprogramming. You see, we are't really people - we are thetans inhabiting a meat body which we shed upon death. Some individuals who strive for a higher achievement within the church belong to an order known as Sea Org, which requires a one billion year contract of service to be carried our through subsequent lives.

And you though Noah's Ark was a tall tale.

Want to learn more? Go to What is Scientology and see what it's all about.

What's even more crazy is that as I typed this on my Livejournal page, this banner ad appeared. Maybe L. Ron is trying to tell me something.

Thou shalt not...

Oh good God.

The Archdiocese of Cincinnati ruled that priests are no longer allowed to "kiss, wrestle and tickle" children, but can still shake their hands and pat them on the back. They can also high five the little rascals - perhaps after they share their post coital cigarette.

Also prohibited are bear hugs, lap sitting and piggy back rides. It's says nothing about watersports, but I guess that is implied. Clearly the good Catholics of Cincinnati can breathe a sign of relief that their childrens will be bear hug free from Father Touchy.

I poke (heh, poke) fun at this announcement not to diminish the importance of the rampant pedophilia within the ranks of the Catholic Church, but rather to point out that the archdiocese needed to make such a statement in the first place. Here we have one of the most powerful mafias in the world charging their soldiers with such unnatural policies as abstinence. Nature gave us genitals and hard coded them to our brains for a purpose - to be used. If the intent was not to use them for pleasure (and I suppose reproduction), then evolution would have cut off the adrenaline pathway between a hard-on and the need to poke a few thousand years ago. Evolution is swift when it comes to homo sapiens.

So charging priests with abstinence, in my opinion, is forcing them to suppress a natural, dare I say God granted, act. Thus when things are shoved into a box (?!?) then it's just a matter of time before it creeps out and often times, when it's not supposed to.

Let the priests marry and fuck, for Christ sake. Kids have enough pressure these days then to have to worry about if the beast within their priests decides to emerge during choir practice.